This is the end.

Well, I guess it's time for my final blog entry. 

I have tried to write this entry many times since returning to the States.  I have described and listed and ranted and started over and deleted and started over again, and nothing has been able to capture what I want to say here.

So. I’m going to start again, and this time, I promise you, I will not delete whatever I write here . I will share it, because this journey deserves a finale, and you all have supported me along the entire way.  I want to say thank you one last time and let you know what I’m up to and what my plans are. 

Here goes….

It’s been almost three months since I got back to the States.  I stayed down in Boruca for the festivals at the end of the year and then flew back on January 4^th, saying goodbye to the sunny tropics and landing back in Washington, DC where it was COLD, COLD, COLD.  I spent the first week or two going back and forth between shivering uncontrollably and reveling in the fact that I could once again wear knee-high leather boots and long pants all the time.  I think that by now my body’s gotten used to the temperature thing, but it took a while.  I slept a lot, I cried a little, I looked over photos and retreated into my shell of comfort (tea, oatmeal, good books, good shows, sleep, shower, repeat.)  As was expected, it took me  a while to get back into the swing of things Stateside.   

I’d forgotten a bunch of things about the States.  I’d forgotten the existence of various food items (kefir, for example) and hadn’t felt the luxury of wall-to-wall carpeting under my bare feet in 12 months.  The highways seemed ridiculously wide and fast (who in the world needs 6 or 7 lanes in one direction?) and the entire world, after I'd been yanked out of the jungle, seemed washed-out and colorless.  I gave away piles and piles of stuff, clothes, junk, things that suddenly seemed meaningless to me.  I got annoyed at gas pumps and the overwhelming selection at grocery stores and at the existence of central heating and AC.  ...like I said, it took a bit to adjust. 

Life here just seems so fast.  So consumer-oriented.  So stuff-and-numbers-oriented instead of natural and basic and earth-oriented.  So much of life here is planning and theorizing and looking ahead, instead of being immediate.  So many of the goods and services exchanged are brain-things, not food-and-clothing things.  There are so many wants.  Our definition of 'need' is different.     

...It’s odd how the past is always the past.  You know what I mean? Every memory we have, even though we KNOW that it has happened to us, becomes more and more distant from us and takes on a dreamlike, unreal quality as time passes.  When people ask me where I’ve been and I say ‘volunteering on an indigenous territory in Costa Rica for a year’, it’s odd to hear myself say those words and to know that, yes, that was ME, and I actually did those things.  I think that maybe, to some, it sounds like some romantic, adventurous journey full of courage and mystery? That’s what peoples’ reactions indicate.  But when I think back, what comes to mind is:

1. The simplicity.  Life in Boruca was predictable, tranquil, and based upon the basics of human survival.  I ate a rotation of the same foods, walked across the bridge to school each day, came home and walked over to sit and talk with the neighbors, read my books, and went to bed.  I did not drive anywhere, I did not have a cell phone, I almost never used makeup.  I didn’t spend much time on painting or music, because my energy was so focused on teaching and survival.  The money that I spent was on food to supplement my diet, bus fares, and small items from thrift stores. Lather, rinse, repeat.  In contrast, my life in the States includes treadmills and gas prices and text messaging and soymilk and bank statements.  Here, I have to deal with the looming future and make decisions about where I want to go, what I want to do, and who I want to become.  Life, here, seems far less simple.

2. The language.  I miss living in Spanish all the time—I’ve kept in touch with friends via gchat and Skype and emails, but it’s of course just not the same.  Luckily, my current volunteering gig at the local elementary school gives me ample opportunities to talk in Spanish with students and teachers there, and I bump into Spanish speakers all the time in day-to-day life.  Just two days ago I had a lengthy talk with a custodian at the doctor’s office who’s from El Salvador (have you ever considered what it must be like to live in a country named 'The Saviour'?)… I’m not too worried about losing my Spanish, I'm just missing having it surround me.

3. The people I met and came to love during my year in Boruca.  There were so many students that now in my memory some of them blur together; but there are individuals that stick out in my brain.  The brilliant 5^th grader dreaming of writing novels; the shy 6^th grader who wanted to be a criminologist; the 2^nd and 3^rd graders who visited me after school and danced around to the music from my laptop as they helped me clean up.  I remember stutters and buck teeth and tears and snide remarks and laughter and rolled eyes, and I hope that when these kids think back from this past year, they remember that I tried, and that they think of English class as a positive, safe place.  …. I also think of the friends I made outside of school; of my ‘2^nd family’ who I miss so much and of the parents who invited me to their houses.  I miss them.   ....on the flip side, now that I'm back in the States I get to see my parents, my uncle and cousins and nieces, my sisters and my friends, everyone who I hadn't seen for a year.  I love having people around me who know where I'm from and how I got to be who I am today, and I feel grounded here.    

4. The echo of guilt that I feel.  NOT having something meaningful to do every day here in DC has made me both more thankful for my time and work in Boruca and also a tad regretful;  I know that I did good things, but sometimes it’s hard to look back from where I am now (upper-class suburbia and all the opportunities in the world) and not think ‘I could have done better.  I could have done more.’  I think about the paths I never hiked down, the people I didn’t get to know better, the mistakes I made as an educator.  BUT… I’ve been trying to learn from all of that.  I’ve been trying to turn these negative thoughts into positive ones and fill my free time with volunteering and starting a job search aimed towards finding a job that somehow will enable me to continue making this world a better place.

I think that at this point I can start to talk a bit about how I think that last year has affected my life on a longer-term basis.  At least, I'd like to try.  I think that last year made me more patient, more assertive, and more family-oriented.  I think it showed me that I could be a full-time elementary educator, but that that probably isn't what I want to do as a career.  I think it truly showed me how crucial it is for me to nurture my body and mind; to actively reach out and maintain the friendships and relationships I want and to not pretend to be someone's friend if it doesn't feel right, even if that seems less painful than to break off the connection.  It rekindled my love of the written word and helped remind me to view the seemingly overwhelming, looming shadow of The Future as a blessing of opportunity and adventure, not a curse of indecision and fear.     

And. I just want to say:

 ....thank you to all of you for your support.  I know I've said it so many times, but there simply aren't words for it; ever since getting back so many of you have asked me questions, sent me letters, invited me over, hugged me, told me you're proud of what I did.  I hope that you all know how much I appreciate you.   

 

....ANYway!

 

I've made it through the hardest part of the transition and now, to quote the Gorillaz, the future's comin' on.  I’ve spent the last few weeks getting my health in order, volunteering, spending time with friends and family, painting, and planning an upcoming trip to Europe.  That’s right—I’ll be in Switzerland, Austria, Germany, and the Netherlands for a trip from March 28^th to May 9^th, visiting the friends I made over there during my junior year abroad and working as a Fulbright TA from 2009-2011.  I am INCREDIBLY excited but it's also so surreal to know that within a few short days I'll be back in the Alps, back speaking German, back in the land of delicious high-fat yogurt and amazing chocolate.....

....aaaand then I have to come back and Get a Job.  I'm thinking maybe something advocacy-oriented, so as to both accomplish 'doing good' and using my language skills... but who knows.  All suggestions are appreciated :)

 

I should probably stop rambling now.  Thank you one and all to everyone who has even so much as thought a positive thing in my direction over the past year.  You helped.  You helped me help others. 

 

And I will never forget it